I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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