As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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