Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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