my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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