I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Randomize
