These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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