the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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