o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
