I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
