Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
