Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
