You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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