oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
