You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
