My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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