Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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