i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
