Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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