So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
