a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
