look no pants
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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