He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
