All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
