it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
