She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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