I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
