Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize