I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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