I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
