I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
