hotel room ftw
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
