apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
