I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
