I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So drunk its hurt
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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