I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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