So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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