Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
