So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
