im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
