my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
