Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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