I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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