at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
