so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Let's paint friendship bongs
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
