i think my tv is drunk
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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