a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
