there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
