sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
