On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
