hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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