I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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