You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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