Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
