I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We need a shit load of segways right now
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
