She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
