And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
