dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
