Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
