I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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