I cannot find my penis.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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