Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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