I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
